


You Don’t Get It

by HalloweenBae



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Forehead Kisses, Single Parents, Wine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-28 23:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12617588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalloweenBae/pseuds/HalloweenBae
Summary: Amanda tells Sonny how she’s been holding up.





	You Don’t Get It

**Author's Note:**

> Since there’s been no character development for Amanda as a single mom, here you go. I may have projected myself upon her.

Amanda pours the five-dollar wine she bought into two glasses. She double-checks the video monitor on the counter, and watches as Jesse sleeps soundly. She pushes her bangs behind her ear before picking them up and walking over to the sofa. 

Sonny takes one of them off her hands as she sits down next to him, starting the next episode of Bloodline on Netflix. 

”Thanks for staying after Jesse went to sleep.” She starts, taking a sip of the cheap but delicious white wine. 

”Anytime, Rollins, you know that.” He clinks his glass with hers only to find out it was made of plastic. “Really? Plastic wine glasses?” His lips smirk. 

”Jesse is two, and she is getting into EVERYTHING lately. Before I know it she’ll be climbing on the countertops trying to get into my wine glasses.” 

“Yeah my niece was always getting into stuff at that age. My sister had to put baby gates up all over the apartment. She even had to put locks on the stove dials.” He takes a sip of wine. “Good call on the glasses.” 

His sister, his niece; his parenting advice always seemed to come second hand. As grateful as she is for Sonny’s help and companionship, she wished that just for one day, he could actually walk in her shoes. She wished that instead of handing Jesse back to her as she fell asleep, he had to put her in her crib. She wished that he had to wake up every couple of hours when she had a nightmare or wet diaper. She wished he actually understood what it was like to be a parent... and not just the fun uncle. 

Sometimes she even wished that Nick were still here. At least he would have understood her obligation to her child. He wouldn’t keep forgetting about her parental status, and ask her to go out or do things that excluded children. He wouldn’t complain about being tired after she only got three and a half hours of sleep. 

”Thanks.” She whispers, watching the show for a bit. 

”Hey, what’s wrong?” He leans in to her. 

What’s wrong? What’s WRONG?! Where does she start? “Nothing, it’s... you wouldn’t understand.” She gulps down the rest of her wine and sets it on the coffee table. 

As often as she resented Sonny for his ignorance, she knew that it wasn’t his fault. She knew she couldn’t snap at him for being in a different stage in his life than she was. His compassion and optimism made him a great detective, and an even better friend. He was there for her when no one else was. He was there to hold her hand in the hospital, to make her dinner after tough cases, and to just... be there. 

Sonny shoots her a look that says he knows better. He turns to face her on the couch, cupping his glass with both hands. 

”Hey, don’t be like that...” he lets go of the glass and takes her hand. 

”It’s just that... I feel so isolated.” She starts.

Sonny raises his eyebrows. He’s genuinely surprised. “Isolated?” 

”Yeah, isolated. I feel like... no matter how early I go to bed, I’ll still never get enough sleep. I feel like an outcast... both at work and at the playground.” She lets out a deep sigh. “Jesse needs me more than ever right now, and sometimes, I feel like I’m a bad momma for wanting to be like everyone else.” 

”You’re not a bad mother, okay? Don’t you ever say that.” His eyes darken. 

”I’m not so sure.” She fingers the plastic wine glass. 

”Rollins, where is this coming from?” 

”I’ve always thought it... I’ve always felt it. Some days are better than others. When I’m at work, I actually feel like my old self again. I feel like nothing has changed, and that for hose ten hours I can actually be a person again.” 

”A person?” His blonde eyebrows knit in the middle of his forehead. 

”I feel like I’ve lost who am with Jesse... that motherhood has consumed so much of me that there’s nothing left. And people like you and Barba are going out all the time with your pictures on Instagram, and I’m... stuck. 

”I’m stuck here with Jesse in my arms for the rest of my life. I’ve tried to embrace my new role when I’m not at work, but I can’t relate to any of the other mothers in my neighborhood. They are all married, or in relationships, and I can feel them looking down on me.” 

”They look down on you? What do they say? Do I need to come over there and pretend to be your boyfriend and...” 

She puts a hand up. “That’s it. It’s all pretend. ‘Let me pretend to be your boyfriend’ let me pretend not to be bothered by being alone. I’ve been pretending to be happy for the past few years, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I don’t know how many more smiles I can paint on my face everyday.” 

Sonny frowns and looks at the ground. 

”None of my single friends have children, and none of my mom friends are single. I’m alone in this, and it’s getting clearer and clearer everyday. I feel like an alien, for God’s sake. I don’t fit into either mold, and it’s becoming exhausting.” 

”What about Liv? She’s a single mom.” 

”She’s also our commanding officer. And she has enough to deal with with Noah and his grandma. I don’t want to bother her with all this.” 

Amanda takes both of their glasses and fills them up again. She sits back down in front of Sonny and sips her spirit. 

”Yeah, maybe.” He takes his glass from her. “But maybe not. Maybe she’s just as lost as you.” 

Amanda rolls her eyes and takes a big swig. 

”Look, clearly, I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. But I want you to be able to talk to me like this... all the time. I don’t want you to let it build up for two years before you let me know how bad it is.” 

”I didn’t want to bother you.” She takes another sip. “You were in law school, and I kind of resented your freedom to do that. I wanted to study for the Sergeant’s exam and then I got pregnant, and... it just wasn’t in the cards for me anymore.” A sad smile crosses her lips as she finishes her wine.

”Rollins... Amanda... you’re my best friend. I don’t ever want you to resent me. If I have to come over every night and make my mom’s lasagna for you guys, I will.” He takes her hands in his and squeezes them. His face is calm and sincere; his boyish Good looks assuring her of his honesty. 

The sound of Jesse’s cries echo throughout the hallway and through the speaker of the monitor. Amanda sighs deeply as Sonny continues to hold her hand. Tears well up in her eyes as the thought of her alienation builds inside of her. 

”I got her. You finish this show.” He squeezes her hands and stands up, setting his glass on the table. He bends over and kisses his friend on the forehead. “Let me help.”


End file.
